by Ken B.

Are you over the age of 3? Is your IQ higher than 10 points? Do you hate being insulted? Do you believe in good cinema? If you answered yes to any of these questions, Alpha and Omega will be nothing more than a tedious, witless bore, a crime against CGI.

In the 21st century, computer animation is supposed to be flowing and beautiful. Not here. It’s choppy, jerky, weightless, unprofessional looking, and cheap. Cheap? It was made on only $20 million, far too little for a CGI feature. These kinds of movies cost a lot to produce. I blame Lionsgate for such an error.

What little of an unforgettable sloppy plot here goes like this. Humphrey (voice: JUSTIN LONG) and Kate (voice: HAYDEN PANETTIERE) are two wolves that live near each other. But they’re from strictly different classes. Humphrey is an Omega, Kate is an Alpha. They’re never allowed to socialize, much less have offspring (are we seeing a Romeo & Juliet thing going so far? Because I sure was). Anyway – one day, they’re tranquilized by evil hunters (all hunters in animated films are evil, just look at Bambi) and taken to Idaho, where they meet other eccentric animals and learn something, of course, about the dangers of the strict social classes to begin with.

Let me say it – the plot is stupid and thin. It could have gone somewhere, but it chose to remain stationary and wander around, prowling for nothing. There was weak voice acting (some of the professionals here, like Dennis Hopper and Danny Glover try to savage this, but there was nowhere to begin in the first place). With dreadful pacing, mundane dialogue, and mindless music, I was not even remotely entertained for any of the 90 minutes this movie used up.

This could have been a cuddly, cute movie, had all of the above mentioned weak points been amended. Sadly, no event took place, and it was worthless pain and suffering. Despite what one may think, 6 year old kids aren’t all helplessly stupid… so the follow-up is the inquiry, why are their movies helplessly stupid?

I feel a deep sense of regret to the parents who had to be taken with their kids to whatever local multiplex they saw this at – I can imagine them tearing their hair as this mud puddle dragged slowly through the brain, probably reversing whatever mental development their children had up to that point. Their thoughts must have been unanimous, stumbling out to their cars after the torture had subsided: “I hope they can unfreeze Walt Disney one day, so he can put a stop to all this nonsense.”

P.S.: This was Dennis Hopper’s last credited film prior to his death. What a terrible final entry. And notice the first names of our main characters. They don’t deserve to mention that!

• 0.5 Stars
• Ken B.